After her much-photographed wallow in Hong Kong Harbour, Beijing welcomes ‘Rubber Duck’, the globetrotting floating sculpture by Dutch artist Florentjin Hofman. The world’s largest waterfowl began her Beijing holiday in Garden Expo Park, and between September 26 and October 26 it’ll be floating peacefully in Kunming Lake at the Summer Palace. At least that’s what the Beijing authorities hope will happen… WE FORSEE A QUITE DIFFERENT SCENARIO, HOWEVER…
Transmutated and made sentient by Beijing’s rumoured air pollution, the duck will double in size overnight! And it won’t stop there. Oh boy, no. Before long, the oversized fowl will take to the wing, before settling in Beijing’s Bird’s Nest … to spawn.
Its twisted offspring will then embark on a rampage of destruction throughout the city – one that makes Godzilla seem like a little furry Facebook kitten! Why? Why? WHHHYYYYY? You know why. We all know why. All those times we’ve ate out at Dadong, Quanjude, or Duck de Chine, crunching through crisp skin and tender meat, licking our guilty lips. And then debating what to do with its carcass. Deep fried or soup? (Fried, of course).
These ducks are bent on REVENGE and they will not rest until every Peking duck restaurant in Beijing has been flattened to dust! How could we have been so blind? One thing’s for sure… We are all to blame. Each and everyone of us. Well not the vegetarians. You guys are OK. But it’s too late for apologies. It’s over. It’s done. Adieu.*
*This is only one hypothetical outcome of the Rubber Duck coming to Beijing. Other outcomes, such as the duck not becoming sentient and remaining a mildly distracting rubber object, are also possible.
About the author: Tom O’Malley is Propaganda Secretary at Bespoke Beijing. A lifestyle journalist, guidebook author, glutton and bon vivant, Tom is a tireless crusader for fine food, hospitality and tourist experiences in China’s capital.