Outta here, Oscars! Get lost, Golden Globes. Err, be off, Booker Prize. Make way for the only awards that count… Bespoke Beijing’s Brilliantly Bizarre Beijing Awards! (BBBBBBA for short*). Join us as we pay homage to the wonderful and the wonderfully weird that have made these 12 moons in China’s capital extra memorable.
*the extra b is for byob
Evilest Super Villain Lair
The guy who built this illegal pleasure dome atop a 26-floor Beijing apartment building is called Professor Zhang, which we think has a nice super villain ring to it. Prof Z was roundly criticized for his brazen disregard of planning laws and driving his neighbours crazy… But can we just say, evil is sometimes awesome.
Highest Pair of Pants (Trousers)
Won by the CCTV Tower every year since 2008, this year a surprise new entrant snatched the award for himself – non other than Chinese premier Xi Jinping. Check out this tumblr…
Biggest Gathering of Folks in (Under) Pants…
That would be Beijing’s second annual ‘Undie Run’ back in February. Brrr.
Most Expensive Duck
The latest branch of Dadong flogs their signature Peking duck with fixings for a quacking 286 RMB, in a luxe Worker’s Stadium location kitted out like a celebrity apartment (very nouveau China, darling). But even that VIP bird loses out to the big yellow fellow who spent a month wallowing in the Summer Palace’s Kunming Lake. The rubber duck sculpture reportedly bought in more than 100 million RMB through ticket sales and fowl-related merch. Which brings us to…
Most Expensive Pigeon
A pigeon called Bolt was sold to a Chinese businessman for 400,000 USD. The name suggests it was destined for racing rather than to become the world’s priciest appetiser. Keep an eye out for it showboating above Beijing’s hutongs.
Strangest New Craze
Square-dancing. Yessir, we’re not making it up. This rootin’-tootin’ dance style, featuring a ‘caller’ and cowboy hats, is the hip new thing in the ‘jing. Whether it’s grannies doing it in the park or hipsters self-consciously bobbing to bands like the Hutong Yellow Weasels, everyone’s at it, pardner. Are you?
Lamest Chinese State Media Photoshopping
With such a high calibre of gaffes, this was a tough category to judge. Beijing Evening News’ image of a dog relieving itself on a car tyre was pretty special (so that’s what those bits of wood on the wheels of parked cars are for), but first place goes to this stunning work depicting the vice-mayor of Anhui province visiting haunting an elderly lady. Great work guys!
Best Rendition of Beijing as a Socialist Utopia
An international hit when exhibited at Beijing Design Week this year, ‘The Beautiful Future’ by our friends Nick Bonner of Koryo Tours and Dominic Johnson-Hill of Plastered 8, depicted a bright and beautiful Beijing, rendered by North Korean propaganda painters working via photographs.
Most Famous Celeb Hosted by Bespoke Beijing
If you read our blog regularly you’ll know we introduced rock gods The Killers to the Great Wall a couple of months back, but we have decided to award ourselves maximum points for hosting America’s Next Top Model impressario Tyra Banks recently (Tyra’s a big fan of the hutongs, btw.)
Most Creative Burger
Take one live turtle, garnish with lettuce and mayo, and smoosh between a lightly baked bun. That’s what one Chinese air passenger did to try to sneak his prized pet onboard, but was nabbed at security. Still, it would have make a change from Air China’s usual beef and rice.
Cutest Chinese Internet Sensation
So adorbs, so close to call! Snoopybabe, the Weibo cat with the distinctive sneer, is the obvious choice, but we cast our minds back to the stifling heat of summer which brought about the fad of dressing infants in cooling fruit. Yes – cute watermelon kid, you are a winner!
Most Embarrassingly Shaped Building
Saving the sauciest for last – all rise the HQ of the People’s Daily, the official media ‘organ’ (arf-arf) of the Chinese Communist Party. It’s got to be said… what were they thinking?
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Congratulations to our winners (a Bespoke Beijing chequebook and pen is winging its way to you all), and thank you 2013 for being so much fun. 2014, you’ve got a lot to live up to, but somehow, we think you’ll be fine…
About the author: Tom O’Malley is Propaganda Secretary at Bespoke Beijing. A lifestyle journalist, guidebook author, glutton and bon vivant, Tom is a tireless crusader for fine food, hospitality and tourist experiences in China’s capital.