You know the drill. You land, you’re taxiing, and before the engines are even turned off, chaos ensues. So, if your scruples aren’t as intact as they should be, why not follow our top tips on how to get off a plane first and you need never be annoyed by your fellow passengers again…
1. SIT AT THE FRONT OF THE PLANE
Remember: prevention is better than cure. Make sure you get yourself a seat at the front of the plane via online check-in before you fly. Stay one step ahead of the crowd by going on seatguru.com for a seating chart and other useful insider info. When the plane lands, you’ll be the first one to get off, before the masses go crazy behind you. Suckers.
2. STOW YOUR BAGS IMMEDIATELY
Put your bulkiest luggage in one of the first overhead compartments as you board the plane. That way you won’t have to store it at the back of the aircraft, where a bazillion other people will soon be trying to stuff their bags into every available space. It also means you can stay coolly seated when the plane lands while everyone else scrambles to pull their luggage down. Then you just glide to the front, sans baggage, to grab yours right before you exit. C’est parfait.
3. BRIBE THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Ok, this is where you may have to crank it up a notch if you didn’t have time for the online check in. Try bribing the flight attendant, or use your begging skills to ensure a seat in the front row. Discretely slip the air stewards a wad of bills (with the highest number on the outside of course) and tell them you’ll make it worth their while if they cut you a break this one time. If the flight is not fully booked and the incentives are high enough, you’d be surprised at what you can get away with.
4. FEIGN ILLNESS
Nobody wants to be near an ill person on an airplane, especially when you can put them in the line of, er, fire. Grab your stomach, make your best queasy face and express to the flight crew the urgency of your getting off first, lest they have a much longer and more unpleasant time cleaning the cabin.
5. PRETEND TO BE HEAVILY PREGNANT
There isn’t a lot of dignity in this one, ladies, but pregnancy is a condition that everyone must sympathize with: women feel your pain, and men pretend to out of fear of inciting the opposite sex’s wrath. Bonus points for simulating your water breaking.
6. GO MENTAL
When all else fails, you can always resort to being “that crazy person” on the airplane. Shout obscenities, harass other passengers, throw your luggage and generally be a complete nuisance. If you have trouble faking it you can always sink several G&Ts too many during the flight. It’s the final resort and a sure-fire way to be greeted by airport security once you’re off, but we still think a stint in airport jail is preferable to being entombed in your seat by rear ends and carry-on bags…
Shot on location at Bespoke Beijing HQ by John Tackabery, with special thanks to Barbie and Iron Man.