Getting stuck in Beijing traffic has its plus sides. (Stay with us.) Nowhere is China’s emphatic march from third world to world power more explicit than on the capital’s highways and hutongs. The roads here are a theatre of the wonderful, the weird and the precariously absurd. So if you find yourself idling in the back of a Beijing taxi, just gaze out the window and see how many of these you can spot.
1.The Mobike Masses
Behold! Thousands upon thousands of people wobbling past you on bikes that they clearly don’t actually know how to ride. Look out for the three different types of easy rider here: The Speed Demon (usually a 20 something peddling so fast you think his legs might fall off – probably late for a job interview); The Reticent Road Warrior (a delicate-looking individual cycling with such uncertainty, and so slowly, it would actually have been more effective to walk); and finally the Jaunty Zhou (aka the Pro), who has clearly put in the time before their ride to adjust the saddle and handlebars to a height of their liking, and is actually quite competent. These people get top marks. But are probably annoyingly organized in real life too…
2. Tuk Tuk Taxi
Photo: Ramesh Lalwani
Inexplicably more expensive to ride than its comfortable, licensed taxi equivalent, the ‘silver bullet’ (our name) is essentially like being on the back of a motorbike surrounded by a shell of paper-thin, razor sharp metal. Also available in electric version with snazzy ‘Postman Pat Red’ paint job.
3. Audi Army
Photo: New York Times
The government-styled black Audi saloon is the automotive symbol of SUCCESS BEIJING. Beijing being fairly successful (check the news), they’re everywhere – the bigger, blacker and shinier the better.
4. Chinese State Limo
Photo: www.amskar.com
Admittedly, you’ll only see these in action at state events, like the 60th anniversary of the PRC back in 2009 (man, some party), and not this close up, unless you’re a Chinese soldier or a curious pigeon. But if you do the Beijing Time Chase, you will!
5. Utility Cart
Photos: www.denverpost.com
Beijing’s answer to the white van man, no job is too small for the plucky utility cart guy. Many jobs are much too big, but that doesn’t stop them.
6. Horse Utility Cart
Photo: Rick Silverman
Averaging about one horsepower (give or take), these rustic wagons ride into the city early to hawk fruit and veg. More common around the cabbage harvest (now, veg spotters!), but still scarce, so max points if you see one.
7. Electric Thing
Photo: Bespoke Beijing
Beijing’s license plate lottery combined with its narrow hutong lanes is the reason this vehicle thrives against all the odds. And we mean all of them. Shaped like a tiny car and powered with toy batteries, it even come with fancy extras like climate control a fan.
8. Scooter with Go Go Gadget Umbrella
Photo: Bespoke Beijing
It’s amazing what you can do with a brolly and some sort of clip thing. Well, amazing is a strong word. But well done, sir.
9. Naked Guy on Scooter with Crucifix
Photo: www.kotaku.com
Remember this Beijing performance artist who made headlines around the world a few years ago for his bizarre feat of exhibitionism? Dubbed the ‘Wangjing Streaker’ he was all set to be the next big thing until something bigger came along.
10. Man on Really Fast Motorised Wheelchair
Video: Bespoke Beijing
Up close, it really looks like a regular wheelchair. No turbo chargers or racing-tuned V12 engine under the seat. Remarkable.
11. A Huge Pedal-Powered Styrofoam Cuboid
Admittedly, this was footage we shot in Shanghai, not Beijing. But we thought you should see it. A feat of sustainable design, reclaimed material use and, um balance. An inspiring vision of the future.
Video: Bespoke Beijing
About the author: Tom O’Malley is Propaganda Secretary at Bespoke Beijing. A lifestyle journalist, guidebook author, glutton and bon vivant, Tom is a tireless crusader for fine food, hospitality and tourist experiences in China’s capital.